My Last week in office…

These are my last days in office. No, I am not being fired. Neither is the office going shut for not sustaining profit because of me and alike who have worked (or rather not worked) here for 2 years. Just that I am leaving. Not that I could not bear my boss or vice versa (we share a better rapport than ganguly and chappel) but just because an angelic gentlemen who came to test me and some other equally bad candidates for an admission in MBA at NMIMS had favorably responded to my bribe attempts, kidnap-your-daughter / transfer-to-sukhliaa-gaav dhamakis and death threats. I don't know whether he has been fired from his job since but I hope for the better.

Nevertheless, I am through with this place, well almost. The days gone by have been pleasant for me atleast. They have not been able to get any work out of me till-date. The kind of person that I am, (SMART LAZY BUM – read this if u are clueless) I have never been too much into books and that renders me as good at technical as Inzamam is at English. Still I have derived some non-technical learning in this 2 year stint. Let me record these for my future reference :

1. DON'T CALL PIG A PIG : If you see your colleague who scores a perfect 10 in uselessness barometer and gets paid more than you then you need not let him know how strongly you feel about him being a pig. But then there are people like yours truly who cant resist kicking an empty pepsi-can lying on the street. So considering this strong desire, your best attempt to vent your emotion should sound like – "Hey mate, your workability potential shall be increasingly optimally utilized when we exchange a few notes on how scholes' work-life-balance matrix concept juxtaposed with phillips' vertical job enrichment theory result in higher employee efficiency."

2. BE GOOD AT PRESENTATIONS : I would rather prefer to be handcuffed in kaal-kothari and listen to 3 hours of non-stop ila arun songs but not give a 30 min presentation on "Increasing project planning efficiency by utilizing prima vera". But hang on mate, if you got to get that fat-as-yokozuna performance allowance, then you got to give the presentations. Its OK if the only thing you know about prima-vera is the spelling (that too in hindi), but you should seem to know a lot about it. "Confuse, if thou can't convince" is the motto.

3. SMILE : There can be circumstances when your trouser zip has kept your internals ventilated by humbly staying open with the lower part of the shirt popping out through the gap and you realize this only after giving a seminar to 100 employees OR your wife has started the morning by hitting you with all the armory available in the kitchen OR in the worst case, you have forgotten to wear a trouser -- then even in these circumstances, smile and if you can't do it naturally then force a smile.

4. SATISFY THE JOB : This is important. "Thou shalt satisfy the job before the job satisfies thee." Searching for job-satisfaction first day in office is like looking for 3 years pay in advance. Be good at what you are doing before you ask for doing what you are good at. If you do the opposite you typically realize that your skill set is null set.

And then there are some minor common-sense points which off-course everybody would take care like – "not asking your bosses sweet-sweet, kuchee-kuchee PA for a coffee despite the highest urge to do so" and "not discussing cricket while boss is discussing non-existent profit" and off course "don't keep a Sharon stone wallpaper and Pam screen saver". Pretend to be a good boy even if you are a bad man.