I can't figure it out. I really can't.

I had a childhood. The one that I and so many boys like me wasted in growing up. I still remember how, in moments of deep thought and introspection just after watching a Stone Cold Steve Austin deliver the stunner to Brett – Hit Man - Hart and winning the match, we had decided WWF was it (now WWE). Yes, that's where we make our careers. It was high time there was an Indian in WWF. Preparation was on. We had already decided our entry music to the ring. It would be Tipu Sultan title song. I mean all we needed to do was drink lots of milk and go to gym and convince our family. Alternative careers weren't that much of option though, in those times. We would still try. But then…

Movies happened, I mean the day I saw Amitabh Bachchan in Don. I knew that IS it. That's where I should go. I mean WWF is fine but then if Undertaker beats me up then that is serious damage to national pride and my bones. (I did not know it then I was leaving the beating to be taken by Khali. But yes he is having his share of fun enjoying terrific popularity in some unique entertainment channels like Aaj tak, India tv etc.; Unique in the sense that they only entertain themselves.) No but I had to be in movies, I had to become an Indian Movie Star wearing white shirt, pant, socks, shoes and under…. like Jeetendra, leading a super cool life, swing around the garden with heroines which even with parents watching was fine. And yes even if I do get beaten up by the villain, it's only for a good cause and more importantly its fake so no damage to bones and I even have a sure-shot revenge in the end. So all was set. But then…

Cricket happened. In a few days I saw world cup 96 quarter-final, Ajay Jadeja smoking Waqar's bowling and Venkatesh Prasad & Amir Sohail telling things to each other the meaning of which I didn't used to understand then. Passion, Emotion and a billion people seeing you on screen. That was it man. That's what I wanted to do. I was sure when I could hit my friend Raja and Rinku for six… sometimes, I could even win matches. I knew I was born for it, born to open the batting for India and yes bowling as well. I was dreaming about it often and I was day-dreaming about it even more. But then…

Reality happened. It was my 10^th class exams. Trust me exams were the worst thing mankind could have done to itself. It drives a compulsive urge in your parents to get the TV cable disconnected and to throw you head-first on to your study table. I hated history. Why do I have to know when Raja Ram Mohan Roy was born? Is his birthday more important than mine? Did he know my birthday? When I grow up history gets prohibited. But then, Exams came then results came. There was limited damage done. But somehow parents got super serious. They gave a power bomb to my WWF career; hit Cricket out of my mind for six and my movies flopped even before they were made. Graduation became single point agenda.

Time would eventually tell me, that I would do engineering and even an MBA, will get a decent job which will make my parents reasonably happy. That I won't be swinging with heroines in the garden, but I would have a wife that I would really love. May be in the future, perhaps time would tell me that I have a decent carreer, a nice family, visits to nice places and a hopefully peaceful retirement. But then would time ever tell what I really want to do with life or would I, like so many in this world, would have lived my life not knowing what I really existed for. That's the question that is standing between me and a peaceful existence. But I can't figure it out, I really can't.